A nerd's journal [ Closed ]

[Atreiyu]

Dear Journal,

I really do worry about the justice system in Pandemonium. The shadow court seems to be overlooking many things lately and there is no means to an end of the corruption plauging our city and our people. If the independant officers and military do nothing, then the people will take justice into their own hands. By aion as daevas we should not let this happen. We have responcibilities.

[Atreiyu]

Dear Journal,

I hate everything right now. I feel so bitter and detached from everything. I don't feel like I can trust anyone or anything anymore. My goals, my plans. Everything seems in vain now. I was starting to get over to the fact that Aris was dead, but then Ryusho. That Monster. He had to ruin everything. He told me the truth this evening, that Aris was indeed alive. He brought him back as an asmodian in some sick and twisted experiment and that he's been living under another name.

I don't know what to think or how to feel. It was easier to hate him, but I started to see other sides of him and I wanted to trust him. I really did. I'm scared, what do I do if I see Aris again? I don't know. Everything hurts right now and I feel so numb and bitter. All these months I'd spent working with the Elyos and I finally spoke with miss Cassini about the Circle. Things seemed to be going right, even though all of it- everything I was doing was to spite that awful man. When in the end, it was all in his plans to begin with.

I feel like I was used in some bizarre experiment. I hate him. I hate everything. I'm tired of being jerked around like this.

[Atreiyu]

Dear Journal,

Perhaps I didn't clarify my last entry. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache which I can only assume was a migraine. I really don't remember much about last night. I also woke up with severe magical burns all over my body. It took almost an entire half hour to get my body healed right, and then I ended up getting sick. I threw up a few times as well. I can only imagine I got drunk at some point, though I cant explain the burns.

Regardless, a few nights ago I ran into Ryusho and he expressed that he wanted to speak with me about something important. So yesterday I met with him against my better judgment. Honestly, I'm not sure. I think I saw a fatigued version of the man and I was curious. Was he really a monster like I've always thought him to be? I guess I was too forgiving and trusting in the matter because I did meet with him.

I was a little honored that he brought me to the Vangaurd estate but I was still a bit bothered because of that fact too. There was a painting of Ryusho and Phelan, done by Ishaq on the wall as we walked in. It was beautifully painted and in a way it saddened me too. I rather enjoyed the other cleric very much and I remember a few months back I received a final letter from him. I really didn't know what to think of it, but I kept it. It's somewhere back at the apartment. Some of the things he said hurt, but I'm not really sure he knew what he was saying either. Obviously there were some misunderstandings between us and maybe someday he can look past them as I have. I do miss him, but I realize he has much to do with his life first. I only wish him the best.

In any case Ryusho took me to a bedroom in his home and expressed he needed my secrecy on what I would see. So I merely nodded and agreed to his terms, and he lead me into a room where a young silver haired Elyos man was recovering. I didn't know what to think but I was a bit baffled by this. The man was named Allyn. He expressed that he wished for my help in regards to forming a group that involved the help of both Elyos and Asmodians to reunite Atreia.

I was a bit.... Disturbed. Why did Ryusho wish for me to help this man? Did he not, merely months ago force me to kill the very man I loved? It all felt so surreal and I couldn't help but feel a little bitter. In all honesty, I thought it was a trap. A trap set to lure me into some false sense of security, to trick me into revealing the Circle or into admitting I was a Traitor to Pandemonium for working with the Elyos? Disgusting trickery at it's finest, I would admit. Surely peace is one of my passions but if I had ever found myself lured in like that, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I have no reason to trust Ryusho, he has not shown me reason.

I started to feel a little more safe with this Allyn person the more we talked. He... did this weird pull with Aether and I'm not... Sure. I met his lady of course. I... No I shouldn't write about that here. It's too strange I cant comprehend it. After some discussion I might consider speaking with miss Cassini about talking with this... Allyn fellow. I cant be certain of course but I'll speak with her before I make a decision. Just because I don't want Ryusho using this Allyn fellow by any means to gain knowledge of a secret order that he could possibly turn in to the shadow court to have all it's asmodian members condemned.

Somehow though, in the back of my mind, something tells me he wouldn't. Is it because his wife, Phelan, is indeed Atreian? I wonder. I was ready to leave when Ryusho told me something. Something I didn't want to know and something that has been eating at me since last night. Aris... isn't dead. I was shocked to hear this. They never vanished him. Instead they took his body and transformed it, and gave him a new life to live as an Asmodian. They erased his memories and renamed him, and he has been living his new life since. Yet, no one bothered to tell me. Instead they let my hatred fester and grow, warp and twist.

I've lost many respects and values because of this, and while I have lost much, I have gained strength and confidence. Ryusho made a point to me very clearly that had he not done what he did, I might have never dared to venture to Elysea to spite him. That I might not have tried to reform this organization with miss Cassini. I felt sick when he said these things, because I realized then, that this had been his entire plan all along. He couldn't change the world, so he molded me and manipulated me so that I would change it for him. I felt so bitter and angry.

In reality, I might have done all the same things, because at least I would have had that someone to fight for. To live for, to love. Fighting for a vision of a world that might accept us for who we were. No, that dream was ripped from me and while the end goal was the same, now I'm bitter and driven by spite and resentment, all because of this monster. I feel numb, and honestly I don't know what to do now.

I know I must continue what I'm doing for the good of Atreia, but I cant help but feel like it's wrong now. Everything I've been working for seems like it's been done wrong and in Vain and, if it had been in his plans there was no real point in what I was doing. Originally it was to prove him wrong, but now... What is it now? I don't even know anymore. I hate him, I hate what he's done and what I've become. I hate everything right now.

I cant write anymore I need to sleep. This headache is getting worse.

[Atreiyu]

Dear Journal,

After finding out about Aris I've been depressed for the last week. I've found myself bringing home bottles of wine and not remembering how or where and why I fall asleep in the places I have been. I woke up yesterday morning in the tub. Of course that is nothing compared to the other evening.

I went to purchase some wine like usual from a shugo I know not far from the docks. He specializes in beverages and odd exotic treats- usually imported from Elysea or from stolen goods from the abyss. Not that I couldn't naturally get Elysean wine and snacks by myself- but there's something more fun about purchasing something -illegal-. Maybe it's just a juvenile rush for me, I don't understand it really. I just get excited. Any way, this Shugo gave me something different this time. He told me it was really potent and that I shouldn't drink too much.

I should have heeded his warning. I don't remember -anything- of the rest of that night. I just remember vaguely going home and opening it up and pouring myself a rather large glass. After that, everything is fuzzy and blank. When I woke up.... Oh gods. When I woke up I found... myself in a rather compromising... position. Ah... Maybe I shouldn't write about it. I don't -remember anything- at all.

Though I will say that I am grateful that Severin and Sydarahai didn't leave me naked in some dirty back alley, naked and with bizarre objects. I read a short story about a man who suffered something like that. His friends had dressed him in frilly ladies' underwear and left him out in the middle of the road, in a drunken stupor with a child's teddy bear next to him, some half eaten pie, and a rope. Needless to say the man was horrified and couldn't imagine what sort of situation he'd been in prior to awakening.

On the upside, the view upon awakening was... quite nice.

[Atreiyu]

Dear Journal,

It seems I never catch a break. It's just one extreme to the next. I found out Mr.Raephium was attacked a night or so ago, by the same man who's been causing a lot of problems around Pandemonium. Maybe I should do what everyone else is doing and just ignore him, but that's kind of difficult when he's going around physically abusing and attacking your friends and other acquaintances. Not just that, but the Wings of Atonement have been running around causing havoc in the city again!

What the world is going on?! I had just finished doing some laundry the other day and I'd went to lay down for a nap. I'd started to drift off to sleep when suddenly I felt myself being poked. I rolled over and there was vadiel, covered in his own blood and his mouth simply caked in it! I was startled of course and I jumped a little frightened. Goodness, he looked like a Zombie or something. I was alarmed but I calmed down when I realized he wasn't indeed undead.

Someone had cut out his tongue! He didn't seem to be in pain either and even though he was injured he was still being the silly little goose he normally is. Needless to say I'm a bit baffled by the man, but I live with him for that same reason. I healed his injuries and when he was able to talk again, he explained that he'd been attacked by a man who worked for the Wings of Atonement! Apparently he was giving the man a tour of the Symphony Mansion?! I need to Inform Lord Isceroth right away, this is completely unacceptable!

I've been so shaky lately because of all the violence and these attacks it's starting to fray on my nerves a bit. Vadiel of all people is the least I'd expect to undergo such torment! I was furious at the time and I still am. Either way I got him cleaned up and made sure he was okay. Afterward we made a trip quickly to the Tavern, got Vadiel something to eat then we headed home and I tucked him in to bed.

Later on I wandered a bit. Trying to calm myself. A few hours later I found myself back at the tavern and there was Vadiel, already up and out. He couldn't sleep apparently and he was still hungry I imagine. I need to do some grocery shopping soon come to think of it, we're completely out and I'm a tad bit broke. Urg, stress. Not that we -need- to eat, we're daevas but... I guess it's a mental thing.

Anyways we were at the tavern for a short bit and I noticed that -man- was there again. The one with the black feathers. Urg. And some weird accomplice of his with Green skin. He's equally freaky. They're just cantering about talking about experimenting on people and like, ripping people apart and testing serums! What the hell is up with that? I was angry so I took Vadiel and we went to Vanahal just to get away from there. I introduced him to Mr.Raephium and I met a Lord Shiita and a little miss Tabbie. Even miss Lyssi was there. We conversed for awhile and then eventually we went back home to get some sleep.

Goodness, I'm getting tired of this insanity.

[Atreiyu]

Dear Journal,

I've been spending a lot of time the last few months visiting Marrin's mansion. Just little things here and there, visiting with Tillius has been good as well. I've been working with him on his cooking in exchange for him giving me information and teaching me other things that he knows as an Elyos. He's been incredibly helpful in all my efforts the last few months, so I asked him if there was anything he wanted and he wanted me to teach him to cook. It's been a fun experience so far and his progress is coming along very nicely.

Between making trips to the mansion to teach Tillius how to cook asmodian foods, I've also been visiting with Trei a little more. He's been working on a lot of solo missions and he's been kind of reclusive about what he's been doing. I don't mind so much but sometimes it's hard to make conversations with him. However he hasn't been around much for Marrin at all. He's been too busy.

After finding out about Tarren and how she owned the house, Marrin has decided to buy a lot of land in Ishaglen. Originally he thought about Brushtonin but the areas of land available were too far north than he'd originally liked, so he decided on Ishaglen instead. I was a bit surprised myself but I didn't mind. After all it's where Trei and I grew up, maybe that's why he chose that location? Who knows. He'd been talking about building a cottage for several months now and I think Tarren's visit kind of gave him the final push he needed to finally do it.

He reassured me his Jeweling business is picking up so he can afford to do this and I'm happy for him in that prospect. Trei doesn't seem to have much of an opinion at all. He actually left shortly after Tarren did and it's been quieter since. Anyways Tillius went out yesterday and said he'd be back in a day or so, who know what he's been up to? Since I got him proper disguises to wander around, he's been enjoying himself more I think. Anyways...

Marrin had told me he had made special plans and asked for me to meet him in Ishaglen the other evening for dinner. So I agreed, thinking it would be nice to not have to cook. He was celebrating the deed to the land he'd bought and he wanted to show me the plot of land he'd purchased. He's been planning this for awhile now so I thought it would be good if he didn't spend the celebration alone since everyone has been out. So I agreed and I met him in Ishaglen in the evening, and he took me to the plot of land. He made us run the whole way through the forest, because he was waiting for something to happen I guess.

I didn't understand why there was such a rush until we got there. When we arrived I was a bit surprised. As soon as the sun set along the horizon, the forest suddenly just... came to life! Fireflies, mushrooms and trees- everything seemed to just glow. It was like being in a forest of stars, it was beautiful! Also there was a picnic all set up with fancy food, wine. Marrin set all of this up for this occasion and I was a bit surprised. When I turned, he was on one knee with a black velvet box open in one hand.



He was proposing. I didn't know what to say. It was a beautiful ring attached to a bracelet with teardrop stones and diamonds. No doubt, Marrin crafted it. I just stared at that Box for so long- Maybe too long. I didn't honestly know what to say, it was kind of sudden. I certainly wasn't expecting it. I ruined things that evening too. Marrin was disappointed I could tell, but I told him I needed time to think about it.

Everything that's happened in the last two weeks had really offset me. I really wasn't certain it was good timing at all on his part, but I don't blame him for that. Just, I guess it was one extreme to the next and I wasn't sure how to handle myself. I wasn't sure how to answer. Thankfully he was understanding and expressed he still would be willing to house me if I wanted to move into the cottage in Ishaglen with him. After that the rest of the evening was a little awkward but we managed to finish our picnic and then headed home.

I've been thinking about it since.

[Atreiyu]

Dear Journal,

Somehow miss Rhiana found out about Nikol. I found out from Rhiana herself along with Sydarahai and Noctum later on. Guh. This puts Noctum and Nikol at Risk, and after awhile of running around I managed to upset Sydarahai. But can I be blamed? He's blurted things out before, I guess It was natural to assume he'd opened his mouth about Nikol. I'm a bit disappointed Noctum even told Syd about him, but I guess he would have figured it out through scent or something. I ended up apologizing to him but he's still a little melancholy. I don't blame him though.

I'm starting to worry. Granted Noctum and miss Rhiana got drunk together last night, and they managed to work things out I guess. Which I'm glad for, having heard she was threatening to go to the shadow court, I was a bit nervous. I managed to convince her to speak with Lord Isceroth about the matter first, and I know he'd have word of reason with her. Thankfully it won't need to come to that now. Phew.

I'm relieved but still a little shaken about what happened. Oh dear.

[Atreiyu]

Dear Journal,

While some things are getting more rough lately I did find a moment of hope when Lord Isceroth pulled me aside after the Legion fair event. He offered me a job doing basic book keeping and document filing and whatnot. He also said that they needed a scribe since the last one quit months ago and the Symphony has gone without record for some time now. So, Lord Isceroth offered me the position since I seem to be good at that sort of thing.

I'll admit I'm pretty excited about it. Afterward we talked for awhile, and he asked me questions about the farm I grew up on. Turns out he used to be a farm boy too- and him and his brother and wife own a vineyard out in Brushtonin! Pretty exciting news to find out actually, and apparently they sell their stock to the tavern here in pandemonium. I plan to try some next time I'm there. I also promised I'd cook for him and his wife miss Namri sometime too.

It wasnt a very extensive conversation but it made me feel better after all that's been going on. At least something seems to be going right in that prospect. Mmm. Though still I'm a tad depressed about other aspects right now in my life. I spoke with lord Bly yesterday, it was a bit sad, but I don't know what to do. I'm so lost about everything. I need to answer Marrin soon too.

[Atreiyu]

Dear journal,

I have been working on some rather nice crafted garments lately. I have a rather beautiful set I whipped up over this last week but I'm afraid the quality is so well tailored I'm not sure I'll be able to get what it's truly worth. Regardless I'm pretty pleased with the quality. If anything perhaps I can just bring it to show it off and let people see what I have. Maybe a show case or something, haha. I plan on getting some raw materials together and this next week I'm going to work really hard on making different garments and such. Hopefully it all works out alright.

Aside from that I went to a market the other day in Ishaglen when I was passing through to check on the construction of Marrin's cottage. I ended up never making it to the cottage. I purchased twenty five thousand kinah worth of raw vegetables, meats and grains and took it all home and started cooking instead. I ended up making six or so crates worth of food for the Orphanage and I shipped it all out the next morning. Hopefully that will last the children awhile, that and I sent Noctum some things uncooked so he has a variety of things he can make aside from the pre-made meals I sent. Hopefully he can do something with that. I cant remember if he cooks or not. hmm.

The other night I was at the tavern and a young lady named Lyssi I think... She was injured so I had to heal her up a bit. The tavern has been lacking in quality of customers and service lately. I'm thinking I might start going to the banquet hall more often if I can. Luckily Vadiel and Noctum and Raephium were there, as well as that lord Shiita. They seem like nice people. Though I didn't talk to them, I generally hung around Vadi while he read.

You know for awhile I'd been taking care of an Elroco Sydarahai gave me, but for the life of me I don't even know what happened to it. I think it ran away when we moved to the apartment because I haven't seen the creature since. Kind of sad, I was thinking of pets this morning. Perhaps I'll get a new one at some point but for now I think I'll settle for not having that kind of responsibility. Though I do feel bad for the other one that ran off.

Thinking about it, I never had any real pets growing up. There were the Porgus we raised but, they weren't really pets. I never got attached to them, except for one little runt of the bunch. I called him 'Mr.Wiggies' He was such a cute little critter. I miss Mr.Wiggies. He died when I was Thirteen.

[Atreiyu]

Dear Journal,

So It was a few days that passed and I decided to tell Marrin what I decided. I brought him to this cliff side in Verteron in Elysea. A beautiful view with the sun setting just beyond the mists. Flowers were arranged along the side of the cliff and it seemed so perfect. We stood there for several minutes and I looked at him and I expressed how I felt. I'd felt so horrible for the several nights previous when we were in the forest, I feel as though I ruined the moment then.



I told him my answer.

Then yesterday I met with miss Cassini in Sanctum. We discussed many concerns about the Circle and who we wish to be involved and who we should be looking out for. It's a serious matter and all of us are in danger if we mistrust the wrong person. All of us could be within jeopardy. So I have to be careful of who I trust to let into this organization. She feels the same.

We scouted out several locations for the potential meeting we wish to Organize. Now it's setting a date.

Oh my heart feels heavy this evening, I don't feel well. I'm going to lay down...